You have fear like bubble soaps

that pop when your attention span shorten

like a match that you light, every time you put a cigarette into your mouth

and the smoke of your fear clouds your face as you puff it out

that every one around you cough like tutting train.

You are indecisive.

Your rational thought process that you think it’s logic fails you

every time you want to put a dot at the end of your sentence

and it goes on and on like a zig zag snake.

You are frustrated and it affects others like a storm in the evening.

You give hope like a candy man giving colorful balloons to little kids

but then you prick those balloons with a sharp needle when you hear kids’ laughter.

You are mean, and tears don’t justify your empathy

because you don’t think that way; you please things that please you back.

Of conversation with a painter.

I had an interesting conversation with a painter who is also a teacher. I almost felt that she was sent by God to deliver a message, a powerful one. I even held her hands and looked at her with the warmest heart that if I hug her, my love will overflow out of gratefulness.

The conversation about finding soulmate happened quite number of times, with different people, at different period of time. I don’t really see soulmate as “the one”. I see it as “the one who got away”. It almost happened, but because of fate and destiny, the paths cross once and it goes parallel with no second intersection.

Paulo Coelho mentioned in his book, ‘Aleph’:

“I mean that two people can spend their whole life living and working together or they can meet only once and say goodbye for ever simply because they did not pass through the physical point that triggers an outpouring of the thing that brought them together in this world. So, they part without ever quite understanding why it was they met. However, if God so wishes, those who once knew love will find each other again”.

The parting feel, I knew it so well. At that moment or situation that you ever experience of this kind, you might meet your soulmate. The one whom seems to know you so well, despite the short encounter that two of you had.

“Do not give your heart too easily, God will decide who is the right one when the time is right”, she said. I believe in that. This is not the first time I heard about it. I honestly feel guilty for doing the opposite sometimes.

“It’s hard for a writer to find a soul-mate because writer is a compassionate, soft-hearted and very sensitive person. It is easy for a writer to get hurt with words or action. It takes an incredible man to be with her. A writer should find someone who understands her, appreciates her and has a way of thinking beyond the regular.  She feels things too deeply, she cannot separate her heart with her mind. Someone who is too absorbed with his IQ will not fit well with a writer”, she continued. I would like to refer soulmate in that sentence as my other-half or the missing puzzle.

Because of that, a writer is always in solitude. Not because they don’t give chance to themselves to find love, but no one understands them enough to fit the other half. Whenever a writer feels thing too deeply or securing their scar with thick band-aids, a writer always find comfort in written words. They engrave it in every single writing, prose, poem or short stories to remind them that life demands to be felt at every stroke and vein.

Cerita Pendek: Orked, Sepatu Kaca dan Putera.

(untuk bacaan ringan sahaja)

“Orked, apa kau tak cinta lagi sama si Putera?” tanya Bonda Peri. “Bukan tak cinta, Ibu Peri. Cuma jauh hati saja. Kalau benar dia cinta sama ku, dia tidak akan mencari cinta seluruh negeri sebelum terjumpa aku dengan sepatu kaca itu” jawab Orked. Bonda Peri melihat Orked dengan penuh kasihan. Bukan dia tak kenal sikap Orked. Memang saja dia boleh bernyanyi riang ketika membuat kerja di rumah, tapi hatinya masih berduka. Nasib baiklah Orked jujur tiap kali Bonda Peri menanya tentang soal hatinya.

“Tapi Putera kan memang suka Orked dari mula lagi ketika bertemu di pesta” sambung Bonda Peri, cuba mempertahankan Putera. Bonda Peri cuba meleraikan sangsi Orked. Perempuan kan mudah cemburu. “Aku tahu, Ibu Peri. Aku lihat pada matanya ketika kami bertemu di pesta itu. Dan juga pada setiap ketika dia datang melawat ku, dia tidak pernah menjauhkan dirinya dari ku biarpun dia tahu siapa aku, Ibu Peri. Aku kan cuma rakyat marhaen”, kata Orked. Bonda Peri terdiam seketika. Atas sebab itu lah Bonda Peri beria ingin Orked pergi ke majlis tari-menari itu. Bonda Peri mahu Orked mendapat segala benda terbaik kerana dia kenal hati budi Orked. “Kenapa kau kata begitu, Orked? Bonda Peri pasti dia tidak pernah melihat darjat dalam cinta” kata-kata Bonda Peri memecah kesunyian.

“Oh Ibu Peri, apa bila aku datang ke majlis itu dengan baju mewah dan sepatu kaca seperti orang kelas atasan, bukan kah dia begitu tertarik dengan ku? Kami menari sepanjang malam tanpa menghiraukan orang lain di sekeliling kami. Dan pada ketika itu aku tahu dia tidak ingat pada Orked yang dia kata dia cinta, tapi matanya sudah tertarik pada yang lain. Sebab itu aku lari, Ibu” ujar Orked. “Bukan kerana jam sudah pukul dua belas malam?” seloroh Bonda Peri. “Ya, itu juga. Itu kan peraturan yang Ibu Peri kasi. Pada ketika aku lari meninggalkan dia, hati ku makin kuat mengatakan bahawa cinta Putera kepada ku bukan lah yang benar” kata Orked sayu. “Kalau betul lah dia cinta padaku, Ibu Peri, hati dia akan terdetik bahawa yang menari dengan dia itu adalah aku. Tidak perlulah dia mencari gadis bersepatu kaca seluruh negeri” kata Orked dengan perlahan lalu menuju ke tepi balkoni dan memandang bulan. Perlahan dia mengesat air matanya yang jatuh itu. Bonda Peri segera memeluk Orked.


He stared at her for a long time. Every inch of the perimeter of her face, her quirk smiles and her giggles, he looked at it all. She looked at him, noticing the stare. He ran his eyes somewhere else.

He took a deep breathe and said prayers silently under his breathe. He walked towards her and he knew that was a huge step for him. He felt the sudden bravery and kept on walking. “You look a bit different today” he said to her. “Really? No, I don’t”, she said. She looked away, feeling flattered.

It ended well.

Well, my two years of teaching fellowship have ended. It ended well, with some(or lots) tears of course. It did feel fast.

The last day of school was a pain for me. Kids crying, kids hugging, kids saying stuffs, kids persuading, kids asking questions, kids wishing good things. It was heart-breaking for me on that day because seriously, I love each one of them with all my heart.

Life does not end there. Life is a journey. I need to keep walking till the end to see what’s there for me. A chapter is closed. Now I need to write a new chapter. I wish all my kids the good things in life. May they do not stop dreaming and doing.