Kisah Hidup di Belantara Konkrit I.

Mereka kata sarang aku, sarang mewah, tempat ‘atas’. Tapi aku bayar sarang mewah dengan hidup keseorangan, di perantauan, jauh dari hidup kebiasaan. Itu pun dalam keadaan tergesa atas alasan aku tak punya siapa dan hidup di kota belantara konkrit mega ini sesungguhnya menakutkan.

Aku pun tak tahu kenapa aku sanggup berhijrah ke kota belantara konkrit ini. Bukan tak pernah aku baca KL Noir pertama sehingga buku putih tentang kota ini. Itu pun berhenti sebab tak sanggup. Mungkin sebab aku punya hasrat untuk memperbetulkan keadaan yang akhirnya tinggal kenangan. Salah langkah atau tidak, aku berserah saja. Aku lalui hidup ini macam kata orang: “Just go with the flow”. So far, okay lah. Not bad.

I live with different kind of races and genders in this house. Keluarga tahu tahu tidak – mungkin tak boleh terima hakikat or pasrah or aku berkias sangat. Tak tahu lah. Bukan tak pernah tinggal seorang, lalui adventure sendiri. Dulu pun pernah duduk di inn kecil tengah kota Kuching. Parents memang risau tahap tak kata apa. Tapi macam biasalah, aku kan rebellious (Mak cakap aku terlalu independent – untuk sedapkan hati dia dan aku). Itu pun parents bagi 2 bulan saja untuk stay sorang. But then again, dengan rasa rebellious yang sukar dimaafkan, I extended my stay for another month. I took a part-time job at a local high-end coffee shop to pay my rent. My parents took away the car – I walked to work every day. Tapi aku survived all the way lah. The reason why I am here pun sebab aku rebellious. Aaah, bila lah nak insaf.

I promised them only for a year. I hope it’s only for a year. But I always wanted to stay in a foreign country by my own. I want to test myself kalau betul lah aku ni independent sangat, macam mak cakap. Lagipun, I have nothing to look forward to here anyway. Nope. I’m not losing hope. Cuma nak pergi on self-adventure untuk cari erti hidup. :)

Don’t ask.

“Bila nak balik kampung? ” – soalan common. Sometimes I feel so guilty to answer when -sebab rasa terpaksa berbohong dan I don’t like dishonesty.

Saya merajuk dengan hidup. So cliche at some point and hypocrite too. I’m struggling to live well and to comfort myself that every thing will be fine.

As struggling as I am (not that I’m saying other people don’t struggle too), I am bit upset when people ask me to be in their shoes and be on their side when I don’t feel like it. Boleh tak jadi pagar? I don’t want to side any party and I just want to live a slow pace of life and remain in my most-introverted world and its social anxiety problems.

I just want to be alone and curl up on my bed.

Jangan tanya bila nak balik kampung. 

Teman Sang Matahari, hari panjang.

Had a long day today. God knows why and how. A lot of questions kept on popping in my mind. I wish I have the answers, but I don’t. However, I promise myself that I won’t let go of opportunities that I like, lets say I want it to be win-win situation.

Kala langit kemerahan tanda senja

Aku pandang langit bersahaja

Bibirku meniti banyak kata

yang berjalan dengan perlahan

Biar aku sendiri hingga aku mampu

melangkah jauh lagi.

Flattered.

He stared at her for a long time. Every inch of the perimeter of her face, her quirk smiles and her giggles, he looked at it all. She looked at him, noticing the stare. He ran his eyes somewhere else.

He took a deep breathe and said prayers silently under his breathe. He walked towards her and he knew that was a huge step for him. He felt the sudden bravery and kept on walking. “You look a bit different today” he said to her. “Really? No, I don’t”, she said. She looked away, feeling flattered.

Naivety.

And after all things shattered

out of thousands reasons

I put it on me

solely on me.

Foolishness has no gender

when it comes to love

the sweetness smell of the garden

nor the brightness of the full moon

everything seems sound and fine.

Forgive me for my naivety

As time passes by

I keep on doubting myself

for the good things that come to me

I feel so unworthy.

Out of those regrets

that eating me out

I keep on staring on the moon

thanking the Universe

for you.

Thank you and forgive me.

It ended well.

Well, my two years of teaching fellowship have ended. It ended well, with some(or lots) tears of course. It did feel fast.

The last day of school was a pain for me. Kids crying, kids hugging, kids saying stuffs, kids persuading, kids asking questions, kids wishing good things. It was heart-breaking for me on that day because seriously, I love each one of them with all my heart.

Life does not end there. Life is a journey. I need to keep walking till the end to see what’s there for me. A chapter is closed. Now I need to write a new chapter. I wish all my kids the good things in life. May they do not stop dreaming and doing.