Nothing good gets away.

Just in case you read this in the future.

I thank God every single day, for letting you enter my life. I have built strong concrete walls around me, which are almost-impossible to break through. I applaud your persistence and grit for being able to do that.

You are the one who I am looking for. After all that lonely solitude and journey of getting to know myself, I found you. You are my new home, my safe place, my comfort. At one point, I don’t think I deserve you and most of the times, I question God on why He is so kind to me. I am thankful.

Things unfolded so nicely and neatly that I found it’s so smooth. Our foundation is our friendship. We are friends, good friends. I like to see myself as an unsolved mystery but yet you know me so well that I know I can’t hide anything from your soul. I love learning things about you. You are like the world map with 7 continents that I would want to memorize by heart.

I never had a man who pampers me so much, in most sincere way I can compute and rationalize. You made me feel so lovable. You proved me wrong when it comes to the question of unlovable. There’s no such thing in your dictionary. You resemble my dad and I know you heard of it repeatedly from me. I can’t deny it. I told dad that “Abak, don’t worry. I will find someone who can get along with you one day. That’s my most important criteria”. Guess what, Pa, I think I found him.

I don’t know what the future holds. I decided not to think of any possibilities of losing you. I just want to enjoy the now-moment. The present moments of you and I – the times when we laughed and argued are my treasures that I safely keep. Most importantly, I adore you for being an adult, the pillar than I can lean on when things get tough and I just want someone who is matured enough to lead me. Someone who is worthy enough that I can respect without doubt.

I comfort myself that nothing good gets away.

Cerita Pendek: Orked, Sepatu Kaca dan Putera.

(untuk bacaan ringan sahaja)

“Orked, apa kau tak cinta lagi sama si Putera?” tanya Bonda Peri. “Bukan tak cinta, Ibu Peri. Cuma jauh hati saja. Kalau benar dia cinta sama ku, dia tidak akan mencari cinta seluruh negeri sebelum terjumpa aku dengan sepatu kaca itu” jawab Orked. Bonda Peri melihat Orked dengan penuh kasihan. Bukan dia tak kenal sikap Orked. Memang saja dia boleh bernyanyi riang ketika membuat kerja di rumah, tapi hatinya masih berduka. Nasib baiklah Orked jujur tiap kali Bonda Peri menanya tentang soal hatinya.

“Tapi Putera kan memang suka Orked dari mula lagi ketika bertemu di pesta” sambung Bonda Peri, cuba mempertahankan Putera. Bonda Peri cuba meleraikan sangsi Orked. Perempuan kan mudah cemburu. “Aku tahu, Ibu Peri. Aku lihat pada matanya ketika kami bertemu di pesta itu. Dan juga pada setiap ketika dia datang melawat ku, dia tidak pernah menjauhkan dirinya dari ku biarpun dia tahu siapa aku, Ibu Peri. Aku kan cuma rakyat marhaen”, kata Orked. Bonda Peri terdiam seketika. Atas sebab itu lah Bonda Peri beria ingin Orked pergi ke majlis tari-menari itu. Bonda Peri mahu Orked mendapat segala benda terbaik kerana dia kenal hati budi Orked. “Kenapa kau kata begitu, Orked? Bonda Peri pasti dia tidak pernah melihat darjat dalam cinta” kata-kata Bonda Peri memecah kesunyian.

“Oh Ibu Peri, apa bila aku datang ke majlis itu dengan baju mewah dan sepatu kaca seperti orang kelas atasan, bukan kah dia begitu tertarik dengan ku? Kami menari sepanjang malam tanpa menghiraukan orang lain di sekeliling kami. Dan pada ketika itu aku tahu dia tidak ingat pada Orked yang dia kata dia cinta, tapi matanya sudah tertarik pada yang lain. Sebab itu aku lari, Ibu” ujar Orked. “Bukan kerana jam sudah pukul dua belas malam?” seloroh Bonda Peri. “Ya, itu juga. Itu kan peraturan yang Ibu Peri kasi. Pada ketika aku lari meninggalkan dia, hati ku makin kuat mengatakan bahawa cinta Putera kepada ku bukan lah yang benar” kata Orked sayu. “Kalau betul lah dia cinta padaku, Ibu Peri, hati dia akan terdetik bahawa yang menari dengan dia itu adalah aku. Tidak perlulah dia mencari gadis bersepatu kaca seluruh negeri” kata Orked dengan perlahan lalu menuju ke tepi balkoni dan memandang bulan. Perlahan dia mengesat air matanya yang jatuh itu. Bonda Peri segera memeluk Orked.

Don’t ask.

“Bila nak balik kampung? ” – soalan common. Sometimes I feel so guilty to answer when -sebab rasa terpaksa berbohong dan I don’t like dishonesty.

Saya merajuk dengan hidup. So cliche at some point and hypocrite too. I’m struggling to live well and to comfort myself that every thing will be fine.

As struggling as I am (not that I’m saying other people don’t struggle too), I am bit upset when people ask me to be in their shoes and be on their side when I don’t feel like it. Boleh tak jadi pagar? I don’t want to side any party and I just want to live a slow pace of life and remain in my most-introverted world and its social anxiety problems.

I just want to be alone and curl up on my bed.

Jangan tanya bila nak balik kampung. 

Teman Sang Matahari, hari panjang.

Had a long day today. God knows why and how. A lot of questions kept on popping in my mind. I wish I have the answers, but I don’t. However, I promise myself that I won’t let go of opportunities that I like, lets say I want it to be win-win situation.

Kala langit kemerahan tanda senja

Aku pandang langit bersahaja

Bibirku meniti banyak kata

yang berjalan dengan perlahan

Biar aku sendiri hingga aku mampu

melangkah jauh lagi.

Flattered.

He stared at her for a long time. Every inch of the perimeter of her face, her quirk smiles and her giggles, he looked at it all. She looked at him, noticing the stare. He ran his eyes somewhere else.

He took a deep breathe and said prayers silently under his breathe. He walked towards her and he knew that was a huge step for him. He felt the sudden bravery and kept on walking. “You look a bit different today” he said to her. “Really? No, I don’t”, she said. She looked away, feeling flattered.

Naivety.

And after all things shattered

out of thousands reasons

I put it on me

solely on me.

Foolishness has no gender

when it comes to love

the sweetness smell of the garden

nor the brightness of the full moon

everything seems sound and fine.

Forgive me for my naivety

As time passes by

I keep on doubting myself

for the good things that come to me

I feel so unworthy.

Out of those regrets

that eating me out

I keep on staring on the moon

thanking the Universe

for you.

Thank you and forgive me.