What love really is.

“I don’t think I am ready. I need to be more intellectual, elegant, graceful, confident”

“But my dear, if it’s really love, he would take your flaws and imperfections as it is”

And that moment, I realize love is not about being perfect, but to know that someone is willing to accept you as you are. No matter what.

I guess, when you love someone, he/she is already perfect to you and you want to be the best for him/her.

Fell.

My heart skipped a beat
When I saw you.
Our eyes met
And there, I blushed away.

I think I have fell for you
For now I realize
I really adore you
Without letting you know.

No.
I wont say a thing.
Let this feeling dies with me.
Tho I might regret it
I cant take the risk
For barriers exist
Cannot be separated.

Amd when you finally realize
Then I might go away
Far from you.
Really far.

Definitions of love.

Love is when you think about that person, your heart skips a beat. For every second you think about that person, you can feel butterflies in your stomach that there’s nothing you can do about it but to feel restless.

Love is when you only wish to see the person happy. Even though your love might be an unrequited love, but still you wish the person well. Because deep inside your heart, you know that to love someone is more than that.

Love is when you feel like running towards the person and offer nothing but a comfort hug and deep silence whenever the person is sad or in despair. Because you know that love does not stand on words only, but through actions.

Love is when you encourage the person to chase his/her dreams. You know that it is their desire and you want to be a part of it. You might have doubt at first but you are willing to cast that away because you know that all they need is your support. You are more than happy to give supports. You are their greatest fan.

Love is when your heart throbs when the person is going through a hard time. You wish everything to be better at the instance but only to realize that you can’t turn back the time. All you need to do is to stand by him/her and go through the pain with them. You know that you need to be strong for them.

Love is when it drives you to chase your own dreams. It acts like a fuel. A good, efficient fuel. It’s like an energy bar. It motivates you to do a lot of things in life.

Love is when you decided that you allow your heart to share a space. Some might allow their heart to be broken, but they are willing to take the risk. That is when you feel like you want share your life and make it a meaningful one.

Love is when your heart stops beating when the person is gone. Some might move on to restart a new life and to love again. Some might stop to find new love and keep on treasuring the existing love. The heart might break into pieces but memories are still fresh and alive. And that memories keep someone to continue their life until one day, the Creator calls them home.

So, what’s your definition of love?

Left.

She took a deep breath and pushed the glass door, slowly. She walked in silently. The cafe is in silence. Her eyes went straight to the counter. “He’s not there,” she said to herself, quietly. She walked straight to the counter. Her ex-supervisor, Nina is on duty, smiled at her. 

“Hey, it’s been a month since I last saw you” the ex-supervisor said to her. She smiled at her. “Ya, I was doing some stuffs last month. I’m coming back for a while to meet some of my friends,” she explained. Nina nodded. “Do you want anything?” Nina asked her. “Vanilla latte, please. As usual.” she said to her. Nina nodded again and moved to the espresso machine. 

“Hmm, Dean is not working tonight?” she asked. “Ooh Dean. He has resigned for quite a while,” Nina answered. “Really? When was it?” she was in shock. “A week after you left” Nina said. She was in disbelief. “Why do you ask?,” Nina continued. She just shook her head. “My God,” her heart screamed faintly. “Nina, by any chance, do you know why he resigned?” she asked again. “Oooh. He told the manager that he wanted to continue his study,” Nina answered her and gave her the vanilla latte. She smiled, took the cup and walked to a sofa at the corner.

She sat down. Again, she took a deep breath and released it heavily. She took a sip of the vanilla latte and closed her eyes. Her heart felt empty. 

Rest.

“You’re late again” he said without looking at her face. She pouted. She went straight to her chair and sat down. She took a deep breath and released it slowly. “You know I have two jobs. Tried my best to come early”. He walked past her, collecting all the cups on the table and placing it inside the sink. She got up and went to the sink. As usual, she knows what she needs to do.

“Just sit” he said. She turned her face towards him, puzzled. She continued to wash the cups, one by one. “Wash your hand, sit. I mean it”. She wanted to say ‘no’, but this time she gave up and decided to listen to him. She washed her hands and walked to the chair. “Why?” she asked. He didn’t answer her. He walked straight to the sink, took the sponge and began to wash all the cups, silently. She continued to look at him, waiting for his words.

“I know you are tired. I’m sorry. Take some rest,” he said.

Far.

“You won’t work here forever, right?” he said. She shook her head. “I told you I’ll be here for a while only. I will leave soon” she said. “Where are you going to go? Where are you going to work?” he started to worry. She was still in silence. No words uttered from her mouth.

“Go further your study like you always wanted” His voice started to slow down. She continued to be in silence. She knew she had things that she did not tell him, and she rather kept it to herself. “And you will leave soon too, right?” she asked him. He nodded. “Why?” he asked. She shook her head again. “Can you make vanilla latte for me?”. He nodded. 

 

 

Jehovah Jireh, Jehovah Shammah.

This month is a month of struggles and frustrations – financially, mentally, and physically.

Financially – I need to pay my road tax and insurance this month. And with a teacher’s salary,  far from home and with no intention to be depended on parents, I am quite worry that I might not survive until the end of this month. I am so afraid that I would be penniless before the month ends. To support self at a very young age (I would say) is a hard thing to do – which I learn as time goes by. 

Then, I took the time to have a small devotion – in the focus of ‘My God is a good provider’. Well, I put away the worry and surrendered everything onto the Lord’s hands. I just believe that everything will go well and if I become penniless at the end of the day/month, I know who to look for. 

Well, it’s almost at the end of the month, I am glad I still have some savings that can sustain me until the end of the month. Yes, I do eat every single day. I even treated my colleague a drink for her birthday. I am thankful that God has sustained me throughout the month.

Mentally and physically – I was given a task to handle SMM this year. I did not realize what I have got myself into. There’s no clear procedures nor proper hand-over when I was given this task. It’s bad that it took a toil on me. So, I spent my CNY at the school, trying to figure out the way to use the database. The reason why is because the last head of unit told me to explore it by myself, just like she did before. Fine, I got it. She has transferred, so bad news la. 

When I explored the system and everything, I realized something, the data has gone. I became panic. I called her if she know if there’s any backup data in the school because her file was empty. She told me to check out the computer in our PK HEM’s office. Okay, I needed to wait until the school reopened the following week. 

So, I was glad there’s data in that computer. So, I was happily ‘naikkan’ the classes and everything. So, when I wanted to ‘saring’ class for Form 2 to Form 3, I realized the names in the system was the name list of my Form 5 kids this year. :O THE DATA HAS BEEN OUTDATED FOR 3 YEARS. WHERE IS THE DATA FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS? 

I was so disappointed. I had to key in everything by my own. I need to restart. Can you imagine 1+++ students’ info that I have to key in? It took me two weeks to try to finish it. And it still not done. I have to sacrifice my sleep and my UUM’s lesson plans for it. THERE ARE PLENTY OF INFO. I delegated the tasks among  the ones under me. How much can we do? The high-rank officer wanted it ASAP. I told my officer about this and we looked for a quick solution. HE EVEN ASKED ME HOW CAN HE ANSWER THE HIGH-RANK OFFICER IF THEY ASK HIM? WHAT? HMM, BECAUSE THERE’S NO PROPER HAND-OVER, SIR? I was disappointed with management. I still am now. 

So, I just hold on to my strength and try to register all the students – which I’m glad I did. The best thing is, I did it with a calm soul. And that time, I did not care about anything, I just want to finish it off and go on with life. And you want to know what made me so strong in this situation? My students. My stress all gone when I was in the class. My kids brought joy to me. And I believe it was God’s comfort flowing through them to me. So peaceful. 

Want to know what happen to the data? It still can’t be sent through email. You want to know why? The school computer’s OS can’t read the diskette (we are using Windows 7 – even my Windows XP still can’t read it) and Gmail  (not even yahoo) did not want to send the file. I tried so many times. All of us have tried. WHO ON EARTH STILL USING DISKETTE IN THIS ERA? TELL ME. YEAH, US. COME ON. MOVE ON, PEOPLE. 

But still God’s grace and comfort are with me. I am thankful for that. This too shall pass. 

Jehovah Jireh, Jehovah Shammah. God will provide, God is there. 

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