24 years old.

Happy 24 years of living on this Earth. Woah. A year older, a year wiser. 

Firstly, I am truly grateful that I dont need to spend my birthday alone. I was thinking of spending my time alone, in my room, watching endless drama episodes while drinking my fav apple cider. But then, Universe is so kind to send me people to accompany me for my birthday. WOOT!

I am also grateful that God has put a lot of kind people in my life for the past year. Thank you to my dearest colleagues for the birthday surprise, wishes and a lovely gift. Thank you to my dearest students for the wishes, salam, dua’ and a present. Thank you to my friends who are willing to give a portion of their time to me. I know that it’s a big commitment to make. 

I am wishing for wisdom to live greater good, to spend my precious life on something meaningful, to bless people around me, to left a mark in everyone’s hearts, to share a part of me with someone that I do not mind feeling pain and joy at the same time, to see my parents enjoying their days growing old together, to support my siblings in whatever they wish to do and to keep fond memories of every moment that left a mark on me permanently. 

 

Groceries shopping

I love groceries shopping. I see it as a therapy and an exercise.

I am glad that when I was young, mom always brought us to do groceries shopping. She made us wrote down our shopping list. In the grocery store, she taught us to compare prices.

When I started to live alone, I did my own groceries shopping.  It started when I studied matriculation in Labuan. It was a heaven for me because I have a lot of chocolates inside my locker.  But I spent moderately until uni because my parents paid my uni fees and expenses.

Now that I work and earn a living, I have freedom to buy what I want. Don’t worry. I still practice what my mom taught me. However, I realise that as I grow old, I start to be conscious with things and food that I buy. No more junk food and all. Say Yes to fibre cereal crackers, fruits, broccoli, real meat and soy drink.

Bakani?

“When you know, you know lah”.

“Eugene Yong: What is love?
Yasmin Ahmad: It’s the longing we have to know God.
Eugene Yong: How do you know we found true love?
Yasmin Ahmad: The same way we know our house on fire. We just know.”

I don’t know how but I just know. But now, I don’t how to. As much as I used to ignore it before, I realize that actually I can’t. The feeling is strong but I am as calm as the sea. Love will find a way.

 

The One That Got Away.

I cried for so many reasons. Tears of joy, tears of sadness. There is one moment that I still remember when I cried so badly and it hurts.

That day I was at the airport, waiting for my flight to go home. To be honest, my heart felt so heavy to leave the place. I knew the reason why. 

It was because of him. I know I will never be able to move on if I do not accept my past and learn that it is a part and parcel of life. 

The first time I saw him, I knew he was looking at me shyly. He is actually not a shy guy, at all. We became closed friends. I got to know his friends and they are very nice to me. Then, I met his younger sister. I realized that I meant everything to him when I finally met his family. The thing is, I was about to leave my favourite city to set for a new adventure. 

Our friendship totally shaped me into a better person in many ways that I did not notice. We shared about our love towards music. I know that he likes to express his feelings through songs. I know his favourite food. He likes to drink cappuccino. When I was terribly hungry, he shared his food and he just let me finished it. 

He is a smoker. He is just like a bad boy that no one could resists. I like that he respects me by not smoking in front of me, just because I cannot stand the smoke.

He is the one who asked me to chase after my dreams. And because of that, we grew apart and I left him. The problem is, there was no proper closure. When I said I was going to leave, he did not say anything. He was too sad that he could not even look at me. I left when he was not around. I did not even dare to meet him because the separation was too painful. 

It ended with a text. We both said goodbye and wished each other well. There was no confession from me. There were times when he confessed his feelings and I just hush-ed it. I did not want to get hurt because my stay was just for a short-while.

There I was, at the departure gate. As I stepped in into the airplane and found my seat, I took out my shawl and covered my face. The next thing I knew, I was crying until I reached home. I continued crying in my room. 

Regrets. I still have that regrets until now. But I realized that I slowly left out some details of our encounter. As I thought that I am not lovable, he showed me the other way round. When he was there, I thought that I do not deserve this love. But he showed me the feeling of love. 

I am still broken. It is almost two years and I am still broken. The feelings have slowly being washed away, the only thing left is a regret.

He has move on. I do not how he copes with it. However, I wish him happiness, a lot of it. I am currently dealing with solitude. Sometimes, I feel I am having too much of my own accompany. However, solitude makes me appreciate life and myself more. I learnt a lot of things : how I view this life and people around me. what I want from a relationship, what I want from my own life and what happiness is. 

And at a sudden, a part of my heart feels empty and feels like I am able to breathe well again. 

Ambivalence.

I guess, the last Gawai is when I felt like I am total outcast in my family, or an unwanted one. I feel sad because I know that my family means everything to me. But last holiday, I feel so unwanted and so total left-out. I don’t want to put blame on something but I think I have been too far from home for a long time that I don’t sense the familiarity at home. Yes, I do miss home and I always feel excited to come back.

I don’t know how my dad feels at home. It seems that the introverts in the family always in the solitude. Most of the times, I will occupy myself with work and my own life. My dad will spend his free time in his garden every day. Every single day. Even at the dinner table, my dad and I are the listeners while the rest talk.

I had few arguments with mom during last Gawai holiday. My family is known as a family that likes to host a party, like every weekend. When I was a teenager, I said that I got tired of big party and interacting with people. And that made my mom got upset. So, last holiday, I told her, if I live alone and get older, I might not be as merry as mom who likes to host makan-makan party and invite a lot of people. I might sit at home alone, watching TV or read books during my quiet weekends(which I always do during most of my weekends in Bagan Serai). I want to have a small apartment or a small house. Again, it made my mom got upset. She said I better rethink about it again or else no one will attend my funeral.

You know what? In the culture of my tribe, people are the main key of the society. If you are a people-centered person, you will thrive in my society. We are so connected with each other in the community that every thing that you do, you need to involve everyone to strengthen the sense of belonging. My mom holds that principle very strongly. Based from what she said, I understand that she wants a lot of people to come during her funeral (I pray may my parents have long lives), only then she feels appreciated and belongs in the community. Therefore, the daughters and son need to uphold the family name well so that we will make her and dad proud among our community.

Again, I feel so left-out. I don’t expect a lot of people to come during my funeral. But if there are people attend my funeral, I am thankful. I wish my closed family members and closed friends to be there during the meaningful events of my life.

I want to touch the lives of people around me without they even notice. I want to be kind not because I expect people to remember it till their last breaths, but because that is the way it is suppose to be. I want to be a light in dark places because it is dark and it needs light. I believe, people who experience true kindness will appreciate it by giving blessings to other people and passing it along.

I still love my family. Very much. I don’t know if I am capable and worthy enough to start my own family. I don’t know if I am easy to love. I don’t know if I am able to love someone so much.

Well, right now I am reading ‘How to deal with adversity’ by Christopher Hamilton, just to understand myself and these feelings more.