The One That Got Away.

I cried for so many reasons. Tears of joy, tears of sadness. There is one moment that I still remember when I cried so badly and it hurts.

That day I was at the airport, waiting for my flight to go home. To be honest, my heart felt so heavy to leave the place. I knew the reason why. 

It was because of him. I know I will never be able to move on if I do not accept my past and learn that it is a part and parcel of life. 

The first time I saw him, I knew he was looking at me shyly. He is actually not a shy guy, at all. We became closed friends. I got to know his friends and they are very nice to me. Then, I met his younger sister. I realized that I meant everything to him when I finally met his family. The thing is, I was about to leave my favourite city to set for a new adventure. 

Our friendship totally shaped me into a better person in many ways that I did not notice. We shared about our love towards music. I know that he likes to express his feelings through songs. I know his favourite food. He likes to drink cappuccino. When I was terribly hungry, he shared his food and he just let me finished it. 

He is a smoker. He is just like a bad boy that no one could resists. I like that he respects me by not smoking in front of me, just because I cannot stand the smoke.

He is the one who asked me to chase after my dreams. And because of that, we grew apart and I left him. The problem is, there was no proper closure. When I said I was going to leave, he did not say anything. He was too sad that he could not even look at me. I left when he was not around. I did not even dare to meet him because the separation was too painful. 

It ended with a text. We both said goodbye and wished each other well. There was no confession from me. There were times when he confessed his feelings and I just hush-ed it. I did not want to get hurt because my stay was just for a short-while.

There I was, at the departure gate. As I stepped in into the airplane and found my seat, I took out my shawl and covered my face. The next thing I knew, I was crying until I reached home. I continued crying in my room. 

Regrets. I still have that regrets until now. But I realized that I slowly left out some details of our encounter. As I thought that I am not lovable, he showed me the other way round. When he was there, I thought that I do not deserve this love. But he showed me the feeling of love. 

I am still broken. It is almost two years and I am still broken. The feelings have slowly being washed away, the only thing left is a regret.

He has move on. I do not how he copes with it. However, I wish him happiness, a lot of it. I am currently dealing with solitude. Sometimes, I feel I am having too much of my own accompany. However, solitude makes me appreciate life and myself more. I learnt a lot of things : how I view this life and people around me. what I want from a relationship, what I want from my own life and what happiness is. 

And at a sudden, a part of my heart feels empty and feels like I am able to breathe well again. 

Ambivalence.

I guess, the last Gawai is when I felt like I am total outcast in my family, or an unwanted one. I feel sad because I know that my family means everything to me. But last holiday, I feel so unwanted and so total left-out. I don’t want to put blame on something but I think I have been too far from home for a long time that I don’t sense the familiarity at home. Yes, I do miss home and I always feel excited to come back.

I don’t know how my dad feels at home. It seems that the introverts in the family always in the solitude. Most of the times, I will occupy myself with work and my own life. My dad will spend his free time in his garden every day. Every single day. Even at the dinner table, my dad and I are the listeners while the rest talk.

I had few arguments with mom during last Gawai holiday. My family is known as a family that likes to host a party, like every weekend. When I was a teenager, I said that I got tired of big party and interacting with people. And that made my mom got upset. So, last holiday, I told her, if I live alone and get older, I might not be as merry as mom who likes to host makan-makan party and invite a lot of people. I might sit at home alone, watching TV or read books during my quiet weekends(which I always do during most of my weekends in Bagan Serai). I want to have a small apartment or a small house. Again, it made my mom got upset. She said I better rethink about it again or else no one will attend my funeral.

You know what? In the culture of my tribe, people are the main key of the society. If you are a people-centered person, you will thrive in my society. We are so connected with each other in the community that every thing that you do, you need to involve everyone to strengthen the sense of belonging. My mom holds that principle very strongly. Based from what she said, I understand that she wants a lot of people to come during her funeral (I pray may my parents have long lives), only then she feels appreciated and belongs in the community. Therefore, the daughters and son need to uphold the family name well so that we will make her and dad proud among our community.

Again, I feel so left-out. I don’t expect a lot of people to come during my funeral. But if there are people attend my funeral, I am thankful. I wish my closed family members and closed friends to be there during the meaningful events of my life.

I want to touch the lives of people around me without they even notice. I want to be kind not because I expect people to remember it till their last breaths, but because that is the way it is suppose to be. I want to be a light in dark places because it is dark and it needs light. I believe, people who experience true kindness will appreciate it by giving blessings to other people and passing it along.

I still love my family. Very much. I don’t know if I am capable and worthy enough to start my own family. I don’t know if I am easy to love. I don’t know if I am able to love someone so much.

Well, right now I am reading ‘How to deal with adversity’ by Christopher Hamilton, just to understand myself and these feelings more.

 

Deeper conversation.

Do you know what I like the most in this life? 

To have a deep conversation with someone. Yes. 

I enjoy deep conversation, but not with everyone. I appreciate deep conversation. I think it is because it takes a lot of thoroughly and detailed thoughts, not to mention amount of brain juice being poured. Sometimes, it is not easy. The process of thinking, relating and analyzing are meaningful and fruitful. 

It widens the mind’s horizon. It opens a space to grow. It repairs broken habits. It enriches the soul. It strengthens the bond. 

 

1 mark only.

My younger brother has made everyone worried when he scored 1 mark for his Additional Mathematics’ mid term exam. 1 MARK ONLY!

He failed his bio exam, physic exam and of course, add math exam. His place in the best class is denied and the senior assistant of admin suggested that he should enter the art stream’s class instead. Of course, it broke my parents’ hearts that dad had to call me at 7 something in the morning because he is so worried and somehow, disappointed. He asked me to talk to him asap. So, I did,

The talk didn’t really go well. He is quite defensive on things and blamed it on his teachers. I am quite upset because I am a teacher. I gave him few suggestions: watch tutorial lessons online, do materials online, read your books, ask your teacher and do your math exercises. MAKE FULL USE OF HIS NOTE 3 PHONE. I told him that Form 4 is not a honeymoon phase or else he will regret it when he reaches Form 5.

He said he will join his friend to be a policeman. My mom will be devastated if she knows because she wants him to be a doctor. Family pressure, I have been there. Then, I said if that’s what he wants, then go ahead but he needs to think wisely. I said that at his age, it’s not okay to follow your friends because of peer pressure. Why? Because friends can either make or break you. If he really wants to be a policeman, then I said he should drop all his tuition classes because it will be useless and waste of money. Oh boy, we cannot have everything we want in this world.

He said he’s a bit confused. I told my parents that it’s time to sit down with him at the dinner table and talk it out. I know the parenting style for my sister and I might be different than for him. However, I think, the principle should still be the same. THE EXPECTATION. He got things that he wants so easily, which I don’t mind, really. But I wish he works as hard as the luxuries that he gained. It does not hurt to work hard. HUMILITY IS THE KEY. I told that to my parents.

He is not a private school’s student to easily choose teachers that he wants. Somehow I pity him because he is a different kind of student but the public school system does not really satisfy his learning experience. He is one of the victims of education inequality. I told him to get over it and works his ass up, by hook or by crook. I cannot help to change his learning experience at the moment, but he needs to get pass it and work with whatever he can. HE NEEDS TO IF HE WANTS TO SUCCEED.

At the mean time, I am working with my heart and soul to make our education a better one. Wait a minute, everyone else should do the same thing too.

 

Fell in love with Payung Teduh.

I fell in love with this band, Payung Teduh when I first listened to their song, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVgboL4yZWY. It was recommended by my favourite singer, Liyana Fizi on a wedding playlist’s article. To be honest, that wedding playlist is awesome!

I always admire Indonesia’s indie music – especially those bands/singers with mellow music. We have few good ones in Malaysia, of course. That is why I enjoy Liyana Fizi’s songs.  

Payung Teduh has a lot of beautiful songs. So far, from what I read, they only produced one album. All of them are university graduates and one of them is a lecturer. Come to think of it, it is quite mind-blowing. :)

Listening to their songs make me want to lie down on a sandy white beach and close my eyes. I just want to appreciate the ‘now’ moment. Beautiful.